Waking Up With Beer
Is Not On This List

by Jonathan Schoenfelder
(Boise, Idaho)

These are fine tips for the morning, which remains my most delicious time of the day. I love people and their strange habits, a wave of their hand or a sucking of their gums. I can't stop listening to people talk, even if it's a cat lady listing the names of her pussies or an insurance adjuster who can't add in their head. This makes the mornings my number one top time.

The tip that struck me the most was the "chemical-free" approach to morning bio-energy. It never occurred to me that it might be better to let my body do the creative energy production instead of neurohypenhancers. Coffee is a common route for me, partially because I like the taste, partially because it makes me feel like an old bird living out in the wilderness when I crack out my tin percolator and let that grimy whistle rattle on the stove.

But my favorite is beer. Plain and simple. There's nothing that feels better than a big bomber of dark beer in the morning. The boozier the better, because that stuff can light a fire in the gut that could get a cow rambling. If you can get something like Stone Imperial Stout or a barley wine, the spices can have a real leavening effect on your morning.

Now that I've read this article, though, I've had to reconsider. I'm awake, and my mind is active, but beer has a habit of making even the sharpest of burly action hero men of steel kind of floppy. As good as it might feel, drinking right away in the morning probably puts a damper on my output.

So from here on out it's oats, whey, plenty of stretching, and my arms akimbo in the morning prepared to write all day (and do my drinking in the evening time).